Long ago I got tricked into thinking I was someone special. Not in any particularly way mind you. I still, however, got the mentality that I, of all people, might have something that others valued. Turns out I was wrong. At least I think I was, it might be possible that I had this thing, and somehow just lost it while living my life. That's not all that plausible, however, because it's not just something you lose. It's something that fades slowly, and passes with time and all the while, you know it. It's everything you wanted and all that you could never have. It's heaven and it's hell.
You fight to keep it as long as you can. To some people it's not all that obvious that you even have it, such is the case with me. It blind-sided me. What I once had now is gone. It took hold of me, and changed me before it left. Mostly for the worse.
It really is true. When you have something, you don't give it a second thought, it's just yours. You get the feeling you can kind of play with it, and do what you wish with it. There are no limits as to what you can do; they are set by your own standards. No one else's'. When it's gone, though, you really start to think about it even more than when you had it. It's not as though I'm dying to get it back. It just takes over my thoughts more often than I like to admit. So I sit, wondering what could have been, and if I could have gone farther before it disappeared altogether.
Every so often I even dream of it. It's like living in the past; knowing full well the end result is undesirable and always will be. Without it you can feel lost. Sometimes scared. It's the only thing a person like me would ever depend on, the only thing I could ever trust.
It's gone. I let it go.
Written and owned by Dan Chubaty