I'm shut in, all alone. I never in a million years thought I would ever live like this. I've become a hermit of sorts, living all alone in this apartment. I stay up all Night and sleep all day, eating little powdered donuts and drinking Mountain Dew. Tasty. I've grown to like living this way. There is no one that I have to care about, no one I have to look out for. I can be myself 24 hours a day. There are no messes to clean up, except my own, no other signs of life to burden me. Everything is different. I hardly have to talk anymore, except to entertain myself, the sound of my own voice as I carry on a conversation about nothing with no one in particular, is enough to make me laugh out loud for a great deal of time. I pass the time with TV and music, all the while eating my donuts and drinking Mountain Dew. When it comes time to leave this place for groceries or other monotonous but required activities I often think of it as a chore and a blemish on my otherwise perfect life. I'll be gone no longer then 20 minutes at a time, so I leave the television on. Television is a marvelous thing, I have decided that much. There is always something on, whether I've seen it before or not doesn't much matter, because it is always there for me.
In this world I have made for myself, there are no worries, no cares and no pain. It's only me. There is no one for me to love and no one to love me. With love comes pain. And with being loved comes an attitude of unselfishness. I don't need either. Sometimes, my memory gets the better of me. I am reminded of a time and place where things were different, where I was a whole other person. My life, as I recall was dedicated to someone else, someone I can remember loving. I don't like to think of those times, so I mostly just watch television.
I've heard them talking. "It can't be healthy" the say. They are quick to declare me insane. How insane is it that all I want is to be free of the burdens that life so graciously brings? I'm insane? Meanwhile they are letting some other person dictate their life. They are letting someone push him or her around. They fight to find love or happiness and when they do, this allows them to block out the inevitable- that all things, in time, will fail. But it comes to those who wait- failure, I mean.
There's a fine line between insanity and genius, the two are so often confused. I feel I am sitting right in the middle of that line. And like to consider myself the latter. It's not an ego; it's a faint sign of hope, the last remnants of a battered and changed man
I remain here a shadow of my former self; I've changed for the better. I'll die right here, It's all planned out, I'll die right here, alone.
Written and owned by Dan Chubaty 2001, 2002