This morning I woke up and realized something. Everyone I loved and cared for the night before, I now despised beyond belief. Every one of their flaws and annoying traits drilled into my skull with the force of a nuclear missile. I hated them all. As I was thinking of it all, a wave of nausea flooded me. I ran to the bathroom and vomited all over the floor and toilet. It burned as it rushed up my throat and out of my mouth
As I sat perched over the toilet, a cold sweat starting stinging my entire body my hands at either side grasped the cold porcelain to brace myself. I vomited again, this time with more force than the first. I couldn't believe the pain, tears formed in my eyes as I struggled for breath.
Soon after, I fell backwards, sprawled on the cold bathroom floor I looked up at the ceiling. The thoughts returned. It wasn't even as if I had a reason to be mad or hateful. But there it was, pure, unbridled hatred. For a moment thoughts of doing away with them crossed my mind. The girlfriend, my mom, sisters, brothers, friends. I wanted them all dead by my hand.
As I was ready to do so, the sickness returned. I got up to the sink as it let loose. From the depths of my stomach, it was all coming out, bile spewed forth, like acid, its bitter taste scolded my mouth and tongue. It lasted only seconds but felt like an eternity.
Without looking up from the sink, I reached my hands out and turned on the tap. I felt the cool water cascade over my hands. I cupped it and splashed it over my burning hot face. It wasn't nearly as soothing as I had hoped. I Sat, for a couple of minutes just looking down, watching the water swirl away into the drain.
I turned the tap off and looked up into the mirror. Strands of wet hair covered my face and eyes. I brushed them away and looked at myself. The feelings returned. But I saw it for what it was. Hate for no one but myself. As I stared at my own reflection I started shacking violently and crying freely. I slowly raised a fist and slammed it into the mirror. It did nothing. I raised both fists and beat away at my reflection, at myself, for all I was worth, wanting to shatter it, wanting to end it. Finally, it cracked and then shattered. Shards of glass stuck out of my bloodied fists. I fell to the floor, exhausted.
I can honestly say I don't' know what sparked such a radical change of feelings. As small pools of blood formed underneath my hands, it hit me.
Not only had my feelings changed towards those people I used to love, but also it was the entire world itself, every single human being walking the earth. I'd lost faith in them all. And how can anyone blame me? Take a look around, it's so fucking plain to see that each and everyone of us is entirely all too pathetic to do anything but be ignorant and generally annoying.
I hated my mom for making me. I hated my girlfriend for loving me, and I hated my siblings for being anything even remotely comparable to me. Silly reasons to hate, you might say. But with my new mindset came the ability to look through the fašade that they all put on. They wore it like a cheap plastic mask.
I got up off of the bathroom floor and wiped my hands on the front of my shirt. I walked into my bedroom, almost slipping on the mess I had made. I sat on the corner of my bed and wept for what were only a few minutes. I then got up and dressed myself in the nicest clothes I had. A pretty snazzy suit I had only worn once before, at my sisters wedding. It was a bit tight around the shoulders, but I couldn't complain. I didn't bother shaving or combing my hair for some reason.
Out of the same closet I retrieved a medium sized box. Inside I found a note.
"You'll need this, it'll save you some time"
I had written the note a few years ago, just in case.
Underneath the note, of course was a small amount of thick rope and a noose I had also made.
I ran my hands over it for a few moments. I then moved my small bedside table to the middle of the room and stood on top of it. At the top of the ceiling were five or six large support beams, running horizontal across the room. I tied the noose around one of the beams. I slipped the other side around my neck, and made sure there was enough room for the job to go off without a hitch.
There I was, standing on some cheap "made in Taiwan" table, with a rope around my neck. I was ready to solve my problems. I was ready for peace. I lacked the guts, though, to do such a thing. I stood up there for a very long time. Finally, I realized I was going to be late for work, so I stepped down.
Quickly, I put the noose and note back into the box and into the closet. Now wasn't the time, I thought.
So I decided to do something I never thought I had the strength to carry on with. I put on a mask of my own. I would pretend everything was all right. I would become one of those people. The ones who live in a make believe world. The ones who feel that as long as everything is fine in their lives, the rest of the world was perfectly fine as well. Even though, deep down, they know, and I know, that nothing, not a fucking thing, is even close to being fine.
One day soon, I'll kick that table out from underneath me. I'll probably be hanging from the ceiling with a stupid grin on my face. And you know what? You'll say to yourself. "That's fine, I'm fine".
Written and owned by Dan Chubaty 2003