You know, sometimes life just sucks. There is no way around having to deal with stretches of absolutely shitty circumstances and coincidences. Like, maybe, right now for instance.
I just want a big bomb to drop square on this house and absolutely level it. Not only would it solve my distaste for this world, but also the distaste you have for me. You don’t have to hide it, you know.
Yeah, a big bomb.
Or maybe a big tornado to rip me right out of here. To take me to oz, for fucks sake. Can you imagine, the tin man and me? We’d make a great team, him and I. Only I'd get to hold the axe because it would make me look rather cool. When he needed to get oiled, I'd get mad and tell him what an inconvenience he is and then he'd cry and rust some more.
Unless of course he cries oil. No, that doesn’t make sense, does it? Maybe. What would a tin man cry? definitely not tears like you and I. Makes you wonder.
Anyway, the tin man was always the coolest. Needed a heart, right? poor guy. I'd have traded him in an instant. But only if they allow that kind of procedure in Oz. It's probably risky business. Lots of paperwork and such. Oh well, it would be worth it.
I just realized, I said "traded" we wouldn't exactly be trading hearts, would we? He doesn't even have one. So I guess I'd just give it to him. And I'd sew a small patch on my shirt that says "this is where my heart used to be" only it wouldn't even be heart shaped, just to throw people off.
I guess Dorothy would be there too. I think I’d get rather sick of her. She always appeared a little too optimistic for my liking. Hell, if I ended up in Oz I’d think of myself as pretty much fucked for life. Or at least my previous life. I sure as hell wouldn’t get all giddy and start singing songs while trying to track down the wizard. No sir. I guess I’d just adapt, I mean, I’m the one that wanted to go there, you know? I could live with the munchkins. I’m sure I’d be like a king to them. What with being huge and all. I’d have that axe handy just in case any of them decided to start an uprising.
Dorothy. Yeah. I’d most definitely hate her guts.
I think the lion and I would become decent friends. I don’t think I’d have much courage to offer, but I’m sure he’d understand. Most friends are good at doing that. We’d hang out with Dorothy ever now and then and act all nice, but secretly him and I would absolutely hate her. I’m pretty sure you do not need courage to hate. Of course not, there is far more hate than courage in this world.
As king of the Munchkins I’d most definitely protect them from the wicked witch. Not because I really give a fuck about them, but because a king needs people to praise him, you know? I wouldn’t want them all to die, or run away scared. I think I’d be a good king. I’d have them make me a crown, for sure.
That is how it would be. I guess I might eventually fall in love with Dorothy. Those pigtails are a little too sexy to be ignored forever. I’d start to hate her less and less and her annoying attitude would eventually fade, I’m sure. Maybe it isn’t so much the pigtails as it is the fact that she’d be the only non-munchkin woman in munchkin land.
Yeah, that’s how it would all work out. No yellow brick road, no journey to see the wizard and definitely no escape from Oz.
“There’s no place like home” my ass. I’d stay right fucking put and I wouldn’t miss a single one of you.
Written and owned by Dan Chubaty 2004